Not All of us Were Meant for Toy Making

Sooooo


  It's been a massive amount of time since I wrote last and I know you guys are all dangling from your computer chairs (When I wrote this I imagined you as a miniature version of yourself grasping to the edge of a giant chair, ready to fall to the floor at any moment where you would be left to the mercy of the dog sitting next to your feet)  wondering, "Whats going on with Halei?  Why did she desert us like this?  Is she ever coming back?"


  The answer is..... Of course I am you goose. ;P 


  I just feel like a giant lame pants because I have absolutely nothing to write about.  Well, that's not true.  Really, I just don't feel like I have anything bold or exciting or magical to share.  Lot's of things happen to me, they just aren't so awesome I want to shout them out to the whole world.  When people read me, I want them to see something so awesome that it blows their socks, shoes, and toe rings off.  


  But, since activities aren't all that exciting, I will tell you about scary things.   You guys can deal with scary right?  It's October, so here's my scary post about really scary stuff. Legit scary things like, my thoughts.  Mostly my thoughts actually.  My thoughts are scary.  Scary to explore and scary to share.  Sharing makes you vulnerable and being vulnerable is scary. That makes sharing a scary thing.  Also, just plain exploring the going-ons of my cranium is a dangerous activity as well.  So bare with my you salty brutes, as I dangle me-self from the plank e'er so recklessly.     


  I am lonely.  


*GASP*  "But, Halei you have all-"...Silence! This is my blog foo! (and if you'd just wait until the end for questions and comments I'd radically appreciate it)


I have friends, yes.  I have a boyfriend, yes. (most wonderful boyfriend ever actually)  I have family, yes.  I have a Saviour and a Father, yes.  There's something still left that I don't have and want desperately.  I'll prelude with a little mini bio about me:


  I'm different.  No one is like me.  Not a single person.  I am unique.    I'm extraordinarily unique.  I don't mean to sound boastful, rather, i'm just trying to to express my singularity.   I see the world differently, I react to things differently, and I think about things way more differently, than anyone I know.  No one desires the same exact things I do, no one wants what I wants.  I've grown accustomed to living this way since it's basically how it's been my whole life. 


  I'm somebody who sees things like a child.  I look at life through gloriously unexposed glasses, through eyes that are so blinded by the sun's splendor that I fail to see the ugliness in everything around me.  I measure something's beauty or coolness by how absolutely, flat on the face, awestruck, it leaves me.  Everything is an experience.  Everything is a miracle.  I am childlike in several different ways: my spirit, my mannerisms, sometimes my logic,my enthusiasm, but mostly my heart.  People are quick to judge my childlike whimsical personality and they make harsh and cruel assumptions.  "Immaturity" one will claim, "A facade; clearly a front" others will deduce.  Hopefully you'll get where I'm coming from when I tell you that a lot of the time I walk around feeling defeated and misunderstood.


  Which is honestly where the loneliness stems from.  Misunderstanding.  If there were someone else out there who knew what it's like.  Who saw what I saw, and felt how I felt, and thought how I thought.  I wouldn't be lonely, I wouldn't be misunderstood.  There would be someone who I could share my struggles with, who gets it. I know they exist.  There are at this exact moment in time 6,872,890,499  people living in the world.  There has to be one who is just like me.  


  I feel like Tarzan.  Living in a world of apes (metaphorically) and being a man.  Living your life being different from everyone, always feeling slightly off.  Never feeling truly 100% accepted.  Imagine how wonderful it is for him to meet someone just like him.  Knowing he isn't by himself.  That there is someone out there who knows what its like and understands his feelings, emotions, thoughts and what causes them.  Someone who isn't going to look at him with disgust and think "Gee, what a wierdo."  


  I will say though...for a wierdo, I do have it pretty much made.  I still have some ape (again metaphorically) friends who think I'm a lil cooky but befriend me in spite of it, and I have that crazy elephant kid who isn't like me but is unique and different from everybody in his own way and has to deal with the same things I do.  Then, you have those people like the ape mom boyfriend ;p. The people who look entirely past any difference whatsoever.  Who are unconditionally excepting of you, who do their absolute best to try to understand anyways, and who will tell off all of those who misjudge and hastily discredit you.  Those people are awesome and I just adore them.


  Whatever role you play in my mixed up jungle fairy tale,  I appreciate you all.  You guys keep me going and I'm really sorry I haven't been the most consistent author.  I'm working on improving.  Eventually I will be perfect. (thats a lie just in case you couldn't sense my sarcasm)
  
Love from the Land of Misfit Toys,


Halei Clark- The Elf Who Wanted to be a Dentist